Never in a million years did I think I would be able to utter these seven little words, and actually mean them. Of course I could have used them at a posh party instead of the somewhat ruder – ‘Please stop talking to me, you boring git. I’m off to the loo.’
But since I never go to posh parties it was going to be unlikely that they would ever crop up in a conversation.
Not now. Now I’ll be able to say them often. Four or five times a day if I like. Because now, at the age of fifty, I have bought my first ever face-powder compact thing with little incorporated mirror and retractable brush. I still can’t quite believe it. Me? Powdering my nose? What happened?
The Rudolph Syndrome happened. It’s a little too hot? Red nose. It’s a little too cold? Red nose. A couple of glasses of champagne? You get the gist.
It was the drunkard look that really made me do it. People didn’t just think I’d had a couple of glasses of champagne. They thought I’d downed a whole bottle of whisky, maybe two. A colleague at work once asked me if I’d been drinking as she pointed at my scarlet hooter.
‘No, I just get a red nose often’ sounded phoney and lame.
The make-up expert in the shop knew just what I needed.
‘Something light, natural, discreet with a touch of intensity that will cover and clear blemishes, age-spots, redness and wrinkles and create maximum softness and comfort.’
Yeah, yeah. Just show me.
‘Chanel’s Vitalumière Compact Douceur is the thing for you Madam’. She swept a beautifully soft brush across my face.
‘Chanel? How about your own (cheaper, much, much cheaper) brand?’
‘Take a look for yourself Madam’.
Rudolph had gone. The age-spots had gone. The black-headed chin was looking soft and new. The wrinkly brow now unlined and relaxed. Is this why women wear make-up? To see a beautiful reflection of themselves in the mirror?
‘I’ll take it.’ I said. Gimme, gimme, gimme was maybe just a little over the top.
And yes, I can hear you all screaming. I know that I have already said I never buy brands.
But this is different. This is Chanel. And this is my face!