Rest In Pistache

I am grieving and my heart knows why but my head can’t quite grasp the intensity of the feeling. Grieving for a cat? When others around me are grieving for a child, a spouse, a parent, a friend? How dare I cry hot, salty tears over a small, grey, fluffy ball of fur?

But cry I did. Sobbed, even. Before, during and after she was ‘put to sleep’. The tears kept falling and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop them.

I am crying now, my fingertips slipping on the dampness of the keyboard, remembering the dreaded one-way journey. My voice was shaky as I stroked her, pretending that everything would be alright, knowing damn well that the drive home from the vet’s surgery would be done alone, without that thin, earnest face peering out of her carrier on the passenger seat beside me.

Would I have preferred her to die at home, in the comfort of her own favourite armchair? Of course I would. But watching her suffer for days on end became unbearable. I had to do something, make the final decision that can only be made for our animals, take her in and then let her go.

But the weight of that choice lies heavily on my shoulders. And the guilt of my grief does too. You have no right to be so sad, I keep telling myself, you should be ashamed of yourself. She was just a pet for goodness’ sake.

But are our pets ever just pets? Or are they fully acknowledged, hugely deserving, wholly integrated members of every single family who has the pleasure of ‘owning’ one? Will we ever realise what a huge part they play in our lives, sometimes for many many years, until they are finally gone?

Pistache was with us for thirteen and a half years. Her absence is like a big feline-shaped hole in the centre of our home. I stumble into it sometimes and find myself looking for her in one of her favoured spots. Some days I’m sure I can hear the kitchen door creak the way it used to when she pushed her way in. My head knows it doesn’t but my heart thinks it does.

She was my delightful, much-loved, darling child-cat, so when all is said and done I think I will just cry if I want to…

About Juliet

I've just turned fifty, OMG ! I didn't realise I would have so much to say about this time of my life. The pure pleasure of writing has hit me hard and this blog is sheer self-indulgence. Enjoy!
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8 Responses to Rest In Pistache

  1. Roz says:

    Happy to read my little sister’s wonderful words again even if they are very sad ones ❤️❤️❤️ 😢

    Liked by 1 person

  2. M says:

    Juliet I am crying too for Pistache and you too .

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sue Vincent says:

    They are never ‘just’ pets… they are living beings with hearts and laughter and love to share… and you are right to grieve for a much-loved friend. I cannot imagine having to make that decision for my Ani.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Marion Young says:

    Julie, that was so sad, poignant and disturbing. Do you feel a bit better after writing your feelings down, or just the same? I read it just before I went to bed, so each time I woke up, Pistache came into my mind.

    Is Vanille improving? I can see Caramel is thriving. I hope he will eventually heal the hole in your heart.

    Have as good a day as possible on this lovely frosty Wednesday.

    Always in our heart. lots of love from your wee mum and dad 💜💖❤️🤗🥰😍

    >

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Meg Stevens says:

    Oh my goodness Juju! I sooooooo feel for you, dear heart! Your story telling is as mightily evocative as it is provocative. You made me want to both comfort you and yet reassure you that you were not alone in your grief. You made me, your very avid reader, feel with you! Well done! Excellent!

    And… You may cry if you want to…! Hugs MeggiMoo 🐄

    Sent from my iPhone

    >>

    Liked by 1 person

    • Juliet says:

      Hi MeggiMoo!! Thank you so much. You are too kind, as always.
      I haven’t been writing at all recently but had to say a few words for my wee cat 😻
      I finally changed phones so I’m on Whatsapp now if you want to try to contact me directly one day. So sorry I haven’t been in touch 😔
      😘

      Like

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